了解 · 跨越

很遗憾我们陷入这样的情况之中。

那突如其来的改变并非我们所能预料的。

你有你的理由，我试着了解。

你我之间欠缺沟通，所以彼此才选择沉默来应对此事。

我有我的障碍，我试着跨越。

我不应该拿你和我之前认识的人比较，更不应该利用以往的经验来处理现今的情况。

我承认，我对你的了解不够深，拿捏不到你待人处事的标准。

我们都怕痛？哈哈，或许吧。

在黑暗中摸索，想前进却又有几分保留。你一再的努力，我都看见了。

在我脑里打转的念头依然是：

我想更懂你。

你还恋着那一片鱼肚白

“I wonder if I disappeared how many men would miss me
Or would they all forget like I erased my name from history?
I'm still trying yet to make a break within the chain of pain and misery
And vanish off the planet like a mystery.
And if I did return would things be the same or worse?”

大概七点半抵学院
早了五个小时

等十二点半的到来
很无聊很辛苦
睡也睡过
上网也上了
温习也温习了
厕所去了几趟
早餐也吃了第二顿
时间过得超慢
真是拿人命

见到同学摆摊
我也顺便帮手
做宣传拉客
没顾客的话
就翻阅杂志

郁闷
挥之不去

**
最近喜欢听的歌
是DEVLIN的《RUNAWAY》
蛮新鲜的意境
正是我近况的写照

**

25/3/11

简直是窒息
这么多东西要交

刚刚去了星巴克
只为了做功课
点了一杯冷巧克力
和酥脆的馅饼
总共二十四令吉
天杀的

不过服务态度很好
吃的喝的
味道都过得去
虽然回来了蛮久
但我还觉得很饱
【以后少去就是了】

和同座的朋友们闲聊
又和往常一样
话题会扯到我身上
内容大概是这样：

“你申请了奖学金了没？”
“还没。”
“那你想申请吗？”
“哎呀，他家里有钱，不用的啦。奖学金让给我们这班穷小子。”
我无言以对。我不是富贵子弟呀。

别看我一副不在乎的样子
其实我在这方面下了点功夫
昨晚查出某个奖学金的截止日期
并打算今天到办公处查询详情

往办公处的柜台走去
路上巧遇我的英语讲师
我还没看到她
她就瞥见了我
还低着头地
走过我身边

我皱眉地目送她
想起儿时看过的
某部宝莱坞电视剧
女主角对属下说：

“既然我们没做错事，就应该抬头挺胸地走路。是他们（指官方）剥夺我们员工的权利，该低头的，是他们！不是我们！”

这么强而有力的一句话
我直到今天还记在心头

回到我的故事
我目送了英语讲师
大步流星走到柜台
很客气地对
唯一值勤的女员工说
我想申请某某奖学金

她面表无情
转身抽来一份表格
无声地递到我面前
可能她又累又“显”吧
我大声地向她道谢
然后收好表格

今天我领悟到
天下没有免费的午餐
【我的二十四令吉啊！ 】
当然天下也没有
所谓的免费
所谓的理所当然
事事要靠自己
你要的话就去争取

I take into my hands my own life.

前尘往事故人旧物

昨晚睡得好香
应该是我释怀了吧
今早我有十点的课
上完课才去领成绩

我的心怎么了
走入校园
一步步靠近成绩
一点儿也不紧张

反而好奇地东张西望
看看新的停车场
看看新的储物柜（终于！）
直到碰上宝婷

领了成绩后
真是百感交集
【Aston的Rude Boy
还盘旋于脑海】
我是怎么挺过来的
好想拥抱每位老师
本来想见见大家的
只怪时间仓促

感谢老师们、朋友们
还有我的父母
谢谢你们给我的肯定
尽管我还是不认为我聪明
谢谢你们给我的鼓励
尽管我不太相信自己

一路赶回学院
碰到一班朋友
然后去杂饭店吃午餐
我呢
选择吃素
以答谢观音
一路来的眷顾
xD

成绩放榜不是终站
明天和拜六还有测验
我给它拼了！

21/3/11

又下雨了
这时候看《微雨之城》
再适合不过
可是
还有很多东西要忙
好想要个假期
让我放松放纵自己

过不久
英语口试
和各科的测验
就要接踵而来
过去几天
为了这些伤脑筋
尤其是口试

这个口试不简单
老师要我们
示范些东西
比如洗手、烘蛋糕

找个题目都
搞到我束手无策
大后天还必须
呈交大纲给老师

今早刚睡醒
我就在想这件事
没多久
就给我想到了
一个简单的题目
有救了！

双城记

终于读完《双城记》
很难读的一本书
用词蛮深的

最喜欢的角色是Miss Pross
她好像个大妈妈那样
毫无保留地照顾、保护
女主角Lucie
她和奸角决斗的那一章
读到我笑出来：

‘If those eyes of yours were bed-winches,’ returned Miss Pross, ‘and I was an English four-poster, they shouldn't loose a splinter of me. No, you wicked woman; I am your match.’ 

狄更斯的笔调
时而严肃时而风趣
写人描物都很上手
只是他用很深的字
来表达简单的东西

很高兴的说
这是我第一本
读到完的
狄更斯作品
等我再觉得无聊
才来读他其他的书吧

Trying New Things

This morning I bought a steak-and-cheese pie from some seniors who were selling pies to raise fund for charity. 

It was expensive but it tasted so good that the aftertaste lingered long after I finished up the pie and threw the wrapping paper into a bin. There were chopped mushrooms and pieces of steak in the pie, together with melted, runny cheese. I fell in love with my pie instantly. :D

I had lunch with my friends at a fast food joint today. After finishing my food, I sipped my drink slowly, waiting for my friends to finish theirs. 

We were running late for class; a friend suggested me to go back on my own, another asked whether I minded being late for class. 

Hmmn. I didn't mind, partly because I was tired of being a goody two-shoes. You struggle to be perfect until you lose the fun of being, well, normal. Feeling a little rebellious and excited (because it was my first time), I stayed and accompanied them. No big deal to be late for once, really. :P

When we finally entered the class, our lecturer was just starting to take attendance, something she called 'hammer game' (think about whac-a-mole). We were not late after all. Just in time for the hammer game. ;)

Dwarfed in Comparison

Mid-terms, group presentation, leadership camp and driving test - my body was on constant alert all the time. How I manged to scrape through all these I couldn't comprehend, but I'm sure about one thing: I held on for so long that the morning after I passed my driving test, all hell broke loose.

First I had a minor sore throat which I ignored, then assignments were doled out. I stayed up late past midnight every day - something I never did before - to finish whatever assignment, homework or project given. Working like a machine finally took its toll on my health. I fell really sick yesterday.

From the back of my throat to the tip of my tongue there were burning sensations and dry patches where even saliva will trigger extreme pain. I sneezed until my lips cracked. Agony in its purest. Yesterday for the whole day my mind just wouldn't work. I barely spoke because even talking would pain me. So I was gloomy and quiet for the entire time.

I almost fell asleep doing some math questions before class. That was the last straw. I surrendered. I packed away my things and napped.

News about earthquake and tsunami in Japan reached me only when I was leaving college yesterday afternoon. I was walking towards the entrance when I saw CNN news projected to a wall, showing heart-wrenching still images of massive destruction.

It was like a wake-up call, a slap across my cheek. The Japanese out there are suffering, and here I was in  my college dispirited because of being sick? The news made me realise how small we are in the face of disasters and that we should appreciate what we have before it's lost to us forever. 

God help the people in Japan. As for myself, I'll keep fighting my own illnesses until I recover. 

Gambateh, people!

9/3/11

喜极而泣。

Shower of Blessings

Just returned from a leadership camp yesterday afternoon. Dead tired. What was I thinking when I arranged for my driving exam immediately after my camp? Crazy man. 

It rained this afternoon when it was finally my turn to drive. Shower of blessings? I thought so. Everything went well. I was very thankful of God - my prayers were finally being answered. 

As there were loads of candidates and the rain just won't stop, the JPJ people sped things up. They urged whomever taking the exam to be quick and pushed them to be faster. So I literally breezed through the other three tests (up the hill, side parking, three-point-turn). 

I finished the three-point-turn, then for a moment I doubted whether the examiner had invigilated me at all. In the end I drove the Kancil back to the waiting line and passed it to the next candidate. I dashed through the rain, back to where my invigilator sat. She handed me the results and I put down my signature with a hand shaking from excitement. 

Earlier I'd been tempted to give bribes so that I could pass the exam. But I decided to believe in myself instead. Now, looking back at every sacrifice I'd made, they are certainly worthwhile, considering I passed my driving exam the first time I took it today, un-bribed.

Finally at peace with myself. Finally can have a good night's sleep. Thank God.