Calm on the Surface

It was a quiet start to the new semester, with many students still trickling in from various parts of the world. At the beginning of each subject's lecture, we devoted about one minute to silence, remembering our head of department who passed away more than three weeks ago. I personally went to his funeral mass (never knew he was a Catholic) and found it rather heartwarming than sad. Maybe it was the songs - till now I still have a short melody in my head that pops up when I least expect it. A memorial and some activities will be held some time soon to remember the deceased, but I think attending his funeral was enough of a closure for me, now it's time to move on.

I couldn't sleep well last night due to the dry coughs I would have every few minutes. I was also rather excited, obviously not from us losing the Thomas Cup to Japan, but from the small progress I made in my thesis proposal yesterday. For three weeks (my term break) I've tried to develop the proposal but I kept encountering difficulties. The ideas were there, just that they were all disjointed and didn't flow well. Didn't feel right. I just decided to start from scratch using a new concept that I found serendipitously. Within yesterday itself I was already able to see a few gaps in research and have a rough idea of the research design. Right now I'm racing against time to put the whole thing together.

Speaking of which, the electives that are offered this semester demand much time and effort. I don't know which to pick, honestly. It's a seven-week short semester, and still the assessments are so heavy. Add to that the thesis proposal that's due in less than four weeks and the oral defense for my proposal that immediately follows it. 

It's only the first day, but I'm already stressed up. Strangely though, I didn't fall asleep in class despite my sleep-deprived state. A small consolation, I think.

Note to self:
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

主任，走好

我们心理学系系主任
在睡梦中逝世
死因有待调查
这一道消息
我是在昨晚
出席某位朋友的生日会
从友人口中得知
为了不破坏气氛
我告诫朋友们
别公开大谈此事

话虽如此
我整夜精神恍惚
没尽兴地玩
连寿星也问我
为何神情哀伤

我在新生迎新会上
认识这位主任
他也当过我们的讲师
虽然他教得不是很好
但他很会讲故事
鼓励我们
用简单的词句
解释复杂的理论
他也是一个开朗的人
任谁遇见他
心情都会好起来

我曾经给他
写过建议书
对系里让人乏善可陈的
事物给予改进建议
出乎预料的是
他不但神速地回应我
而且还约我见他
和其他几位职员
讨论改进的方案
我对他
除了敬佩
还是敬佩

主任突然离去
让他家人、系里的员工、学生
一时接受不了
同学们纷纷在
社交媒体上
分享他们
对主任的回忆
内容大致上都是
“最近才见到他
怎么走得那么突然”

谁走进我们的人生
谁又悄悄离开
我们不得而知
因此学会告别
学会珍惜
是我们人生
一生的功课

愿逝者安息
愿生者坚强

A Darker Turn

I've been playing catch-up since the start of the semester. I started off on the wrong foot by making that trip down to Singapore and attending my cousin's wedding. At that time it seemed to be an appropriate choice: not wasting that extra bus ticket, getting in touch with some relatives, witnessing my cousin's milestone, taking one last, long look at the Lion City and enjoying myself one last time before plunging into Year 3. In retrospect, I think my choice was governed more by emotions than reason. Why did I have a last minute change of heart? Why did I miss the first day of the semester? To not have any regrets related to missing that momentous occasion? To numb myself of the fact that I'm graduating soon? To suppress the anxiety and stress that come with doing my thesis?

Returning from Singapore and starting the classes needed some time to adjust to. All those conflicting emotions that I had to sift through! All those new knowledge and perspectives that I gathered!

I had difficulty picking this semester's electives, most of which were more demanding and less exciting. In the end, I settled with forensic psychology, health psychology and psychology at the workplace. The core subject, abnormal psychology, was challenging but intriguing. I learned about mental disorders and illnesses that I had had little knowledge of and much misconceptions about. I enjoyed the subject, so that little intrinsic motivation kept me going even though the lecturer was difficult to deal with and the textbook chapters were extremely detailed.

I took forensic psychology mainly because I like the topic and trust the lecturer who taught it. Forensic psychology is a combination of psychology and the law. With that said, it only touches briefly on certain aspects of criminology and law, but provides more insight on how psychologists can contribute to the legal system and sheds light on criminal offenders' psychology. What I learned from the drama "The Good Wife" can finally be put into good use, haha. We did an assignment on creating a fictional serial killer and profiling suspects, with my group scoring the highest because of the amount of details and effort we put in. Not the easiest assignment ever, but perhaps the most unusual. The other assignment for the elective was a presentation of our choice (skits, lecture, poetry etc.) describing a criminal. My group came up with an elaborate skit, which again required much effort and time. Although pop quizzes were given throughout the semester (which were rather stressful and tended to ruin my mood for the day), I enjoyed the elective enough to set aside my bad mood and learn something I actually have an interest in.

Studying about criminals and the mentally ill — my semester did take a darker turn.

Oh well, I finished my last final exam paper yesterday. Let the celebrations begin! Before I start my thesis. Now why that sounds awfully familiar?

V

This blog turns five today! Gosh, it has been five years since I started this blog, I'd had others but they didn't last as long as this one does.

This blog has evolved, and so have I. I used to play around with HTML, fonts, colours and background images. It was common for me to change the blog template every week, or every time I blogged about something. Nowadays I don't change it quite often. For the past year or so, I've stayed with plain white background and minimalist design. Maybe it's an indication that my colourful, vibrant and carefree days are over, and it's time to declutter my life and go simple (woah, #deep).

The way I write has also changed. In the past, I used semi-sentences and single words, writing as if I was dreaming out loud. Now I tend to write in a more academic fashion. Yet my attention to details, grammar and punctuation have never been compromised since the very first post. I've always made a point to verify whether the things I write are true. If I'm not sure about grammar, I consult grammar-related websites and forums. 

I used to be able to find humour in almost every thing I experienced, hence the funny, sarcastic posts back in high school and college. That sass, oh my goodness. And the staggering amount of exclamation mark I used. These days my posts tend to take on a more negative tone/mood, even though in real life, most of the time I feel fine and things are just ordinary.

I used to observe certain rules and algorithms. Topics concerning sex, religion and politics were zealously avoided, for some reason I can't quite recall. Posts could be in either English or Chinese, depending on which language could best capture the "feel" of my narration. Pictures, videos and other people's writings were sparingly posted, when I ran out of things to write about or felt that other media could better express my thoughts and feelings. Now, I've waded into law and politics and a bit of religion, because they are the inevitable result of my "righteous anger". I felt so strongly about certain events that I had to blog about it. I use more English than Chinese these days, compared to last time when I made sure I had a balance of posts written in either language. Lately I haven't got the time to write at length about my life's happenings, so the posts in the recent past were either somebody else's work or my own reviews about the movies/drama I watched. Honestly I dare not write so much about what's going on because there has been an immense web traffic to my blog but only few comments were left. Anonymous visitors, identify yourselves!

Most of my friends' and seniors' blogs are abandoned, locked or deleted. Why don't they continue blogging? Well, I can only guess. Life caught up with them. They have better things to do than rant publicly (maybe). Or maybe they've moved to other social media platforms. Or maybe they don't find blogging rewarding anymore, especially for those with dwindling visitor count. I'm not sure which direction I want to go. I don't even know how much longer I'll be running this blog. I've been thinking of closing it down since about three years ago, but still I can't bring myself to do it. Let's see how it goes. For now ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR BLOG!!!

(bringing the colour and exclamation mark back, you see ...)